Innocence

"What happened to me
The girl in the mirror
The one with the innocence
She screams but no one hears her
The one with a broken heart
She tried not to hurt
Now she's in the dark
                                                                           > both of those are vocals
I'm lookin for my innocence
Don't know why it went and where it's been
But I think it's got somethin to do with memory
And memory's got somethin to do with you... and me

...
                                                                  Rapping begins
I don't know when i lost it but i think it was with you
when i gave you my heart too early too soon
somethin happened and im not real sure
do i stay or walk out that door?

And now i find my innocence is gone
just like the night turns into dawn
I tried to stop you but i guess you didn't hear
the seriousness in my voice and the smell of fear

Now we're grown up from experience and pain
way before our time it's not even sane
Never meant to hurt or do anything
but i gotta accept that such are my chains
my heart was given way before its time
so be careful with yours, don't waste it like mine
shouldn't have lost it cause it caused me this
and now iv'e lost my innocence."


^ Snippets of a song I wrote. It's actually a rap...which is weird considering i'm usually a country or light metal girl.... 
But the lyrics seemed to be sticking in my head so hey.

I've been doing some thinking.
I practically got nothin' but time on my hands so hey, why not.
Besides. It's when you're bored or trying to sleep/relax that all of the secrets of the world start to bang on your door and beg for answers.  -.-
But during my... meditation (   :P   )
I realized that you don't have to be assaulted, or do something bad to lose your innocence.  Being hurt, watching those you love be hurt...
Pain can steal innocence.  You realize that the world is so much more "Big and Bad" than the big land where dreams come true that you see as a child.  When you come to realize this, a part of your innocence is stripped away as you no longer trust like the child you were. You no longer give trust, friendship, favors, love as freely as you did when you saw everyone as a friend. 

In a way, that's a bad thing, but in another way, don't we all have to grow up and stop living in Wonderland at some point? 
The dilema is this:
Where do you draw the line between a learning curve, and going too far, untolerable treatment, etc.?
How long do you sit by while you lose your innocence before you decide enough is enough?
Or how do you make yourself see that it's just that; a learning experience? 

I don't even know what I'm saying I'm just kindof rambling at this point. 

Anyway.

Dog sitting this week.
Whoop!

till later

Xtine

Beauty From Pain

Well... Many of you know what happened...
I'm sure many of you don't even know something happened.
I'm not going into detail because, well, to be honest, it's personally humiliating but also, I care too deeply about others involved. 

But in short, I've been hurt more than I ever have in my life. And through that, I'm rediscovering God.  I've realized that even those closest to me, my BEST friends, the people who claim to love me the most, are still people.  They are still human and will, at some point, fail me. 

Fairytales.  I've blogged about those before.  And how unreal they are and how they never happen. 
Well I'd LOVE to say they don't. I'd LOVE to say I was stupid for ever believing that they did.  But the truth is, for the time that I did believe in them, I was the happiest that I've ever been.  Yes.  Bad things will happen in life.  But even fairytales have an evil twist in them.  The point is that they end ok. 

Well I found the evil twist in my story.  And its basically a knife in my back and it's killing me.  But the weird thing is, one of my best friends, who swears to always have my back and protect me, even she believes that my life is practically a Lifetime movie.  One of those stupid sappy stories where love is real and everyone's lives turn out perfectly and the little grows up to be the star she'd always hoped she'd be. While it would be so easy to say that isn't true, that isn't how it works...
this friend believes in me.  She believes in my future.  My life.  And she encouraged me never to give up.  It's so rare to see something this beautiful, even with its scars. 

I saw a status on facebook today that shook me. 
"Don't put it off.  Get to work now.  Believe in yourself and go get what you want.  No, don't just go get it.  Attack it and take it cause it's yours. Take it cause you know that in you heart, if you don't, you will never forget that it was there all along for the taking and you just b****** up and let it go... Though the pain may come over you, never let it overcome you."
Basically that's all I needed to hear. 
I thought I was trying. 
I realized that that's just what it was.  I THOUGHT I was.  Then I realized that it will take ALL of me to work hard enough to get what I want.  That I will be at war with my own mind for a long time to come but if I have "Gazelle Intensity" (as Dave Ramsey calls it... I figured someone would catch it...) if I fight with all I have, I will survive, I will find myself and what I lost. 

So anyway.... Ladies... my apologies for ever telling you otherwise.  But guess what.  Fairytales exist!! Perfection does not.  But fairytales are never actually perfect anyway.. Imperfection is what makes life perfect...

So this is a song I wrote...

Worthless and alone,
Everything unknown,
Pain and fear inside,
Emptiness in her eyes.
She's a bird who loved to sing,
but the pain has clipped her wings.
Now she's just the rat on the street,
wary of anyone that she meets.

The scars have stories to tell
Each one has a name
This one she didn't see coming
The pain drives her insane

There is One who shows His love.
She refuses to accept.
Conviced her only escape
lies in the hands of death.

Refusing to give up
His pursuit becomes enough,
Laying down her shield of pain
She is free of jailbird chains. 

And He says

Chorus:
There is nowhere you can go
no where you can hide.
you're never on your own
I'm always on your side
You'll never mess up so bad
never fall down so hard
you'll never run so far
that you don't know who you are.
YOU ARE MINE.

Temptation knows no bounds
it haunts the pure of heart
everybody falls,
every night gets dark
it ruins the perfect things
the guilt is crippling
pain and fear inside
hatred in his eyes

Falling on his knees he cries
for what he's lost. He wants to die.
From somewhere in the dark a voice
calls to Its son, Its beloved by choice.

It says

Chorus

A story of pain
with a beautiful ending
the jailbird in chains
and the man who was stained

Each one finds love
and each their courage.
Strength to love again,
unaware they were purposed

Purposed by the Author,
of Celestial things
Meant to be together
To grow new wings.

Chorus.

Welp. I felt like venting... and typing is theraputic... that's definitely not the right spelling....

the clickity click of the keys sounds pleasant and monotonous.

Anyway.

Fight for what you want.
The world is at your fingertips.
Reach out.
"I believe in pink.
I believe that laughng is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing,
kissing a lot.
I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. 
I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. 
I believe that tomorrow is another day
**and**
I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES."
~Audrey Hepburn

ttfn