Innocence

"What happened to me
The girl in the mirror
The one with the innocence
She screams but no one hears her
The one with a broken heart
She tried not to hurt
Now she's in the dark
                                                                           > both of those are vocals
I'm lookin for my innocence
Don't know why it went and where it's been
But I think it's got somethin to do with memory
And memory's got somethin to do with you... and me

...
                                                                  Rapping begins
I don't know when i lost it but i think it was with you
when i gave you my heart too early too soon
somethin happened and im not real sure
do i stay or walk out that door?

And now i find my innocence is gone
just like the night turns into dawn
I tried to stop you but i guess you didn't hear
the seriousness in my voice and the smell of fear

Now we're grown up from experience and pain
way before our time it's not even sane
Never meant to hurt or do anything
but i gotta accept that such are my chains
my heart was given way before its time
so be careful with yours, don't waste it like mine
shouldn't have lost it cause it caused me this
and now iv'e lost my innocence."


^ Snippets of a song I wrote. It's actually a rap...which is weird considering i'm usually a country or light metal girl.... 
But the lyrics seemed to be sticking in my head so hey.

I've been doing some thinking.
I practically got nothin' but time on my hands so hey, why not.
Besides. It's when you're bored or trying to sleep/relax that all of the secrets of the world start to bang on your door and beg for answers.  -.-
But during my... meditation (   :P   )
I realized that you don't have to be assaulted, or do something bad to lose your innocence.  Being hurt, watching those you love be hurt...
Pain can steal innocence.  You realize that the world is so much more "Big and Bad" than the big land where dreams come true that you see as a child.  When you come to realize this, a part of your innocence is stripped away as you no longer trust like the child you were. You no longer give trust, friendship, favors, love as freely as you did when you saw everyone as a friend. 

In a way, that's a bad thing, but in another way, don't we all have to grow up and stop living in Wonderland at some point? 
The dilema is this:
Where do you draw the line between a learning curve, and going too far, untolerable treatment, etc.?
How long do you sit by while you lose your innocence before you decide enough is enough?
Or how do you make yourself see that it's just that; a learning experience? 

I don't even know what I'm saying I'm just kindof rambling at this point. 

Anyway.

Dog sitting this week.
Whoop!

till later

Xtine

Beauty From Pain

Well... Many of you know what happened...
I'm sure many of you don't even know something happened.
I'm not going into detail because, well, to be honest, it's personally humiliating but also, I care too deeply about others involved. 

But in short, I've been hurt more than I ever have in my life. And through that, I'm rediscovering God.  I've realized that even those closest to me, my BEST friends, the people who claim to love me the most, are still people.  They are still human and will, at some point, fail me. 

Fairytales.  I've blogged about those before.  And how unreal they are and how they never happen. 
Well I'd LOVE to say they don't. I'd LOVE to say I was stupid for ever believing that they did.  But the truth is, for the time that I did believe in them, I was the happiest that I've ever been.  Yes.  Bad things will happen in life.  But even fairytales have an evil twist in them.  The point is that they end ok. 

Well I found the evil twist in my story.  And its basically a knife in my back and it's killing me.  But the weird thing is, one of my best friends, who swears to always have my back and protect me, even she believes that my life is practically a Lifetime movie.  One of those stupid sappy stories where love is real and everyone's lives turn out perfectly and the little grows up to be the star she'd always hoped she'd be. While it would be so easy to say that isn't true, that isn't how it works...
this friend believes in me.  She believes in my future.  My life.  And she encouraged me never to give up.  It's so rare to see something this beautiful, even with its scars. 

I saw a status on facebook today that shook me. 
"Don't put it off.  Get to work now.  Believe in yourself and go get what you want.  No, don't just go get it.  Attack it and take it cause it's yours. Take it cause you know that in you heart, if you don't, you will never forget that it was there all along for the taking and you just b****** up and let it go... Though the pain may come over you, never let it overcome you."
Basically that's all I needed to hear. 
I thought I was trying. 
I realized that that's just what it was.  I THOUGHT I was.  Then I realized that it will take ALL of me to work hard enough to get what I want.  That I will be at war with my own mind for a long time to come but if I have "Gazelle Intensity" (as Dave Ramsey calls it... I figured someone would catch it...) if I fight with all I have, I will survive, I will find myself and what I lost. 

So anyway.... Ladies... my apologies for ever telling you otherwise.  But guess what.  Fairytales exist!! Perfection does not.  But fairytales are never actually perfect anyway.. Imperfection is what makes life perfect...

So this is a song I wrote...

Worthless and alone,
Everything unknown,
Pain and fear inside,
Emptiness in her eyes.
She's a bird who loved to sing,
but the pain has clipped her wings.
Now she's just the rat on the street,
wary of anyone that she meets.

The scars have stories to tell
Each one has a name
This one she didn't see coming
The pain drives her insane

There is One who shows His love.
She refuses to accept.
Conviced her only escape
lies in the hands of death.

Refusing to give up
His pursuit becomes enough,
Laying down her shield of pain
She is free of jailbird chains. 

And He says

Chorus:
There is nowhere you can go
no where you can hide.
you're never on your own
I'm always on your side
You'll never mess up so bad
never fall down so hard
you'll never run so far
that you don't know who you are.
YOU ARE MINE.

Temptation knows no bounds
it haunts the pure of heart
everybody falls,
every night gets dark
it ruins the perfect things
the guilt is crippling
pain and fear inside
hatred in his eyes

Falling on his knees he cries
for what he's lost. He wants to die.
From somewhere in the dark a voice
calls to Its son, Its beloved by choice.

It says

Chorus

A story of pain
with a beautiful ending
the jailbird in chains
and the man who was stained

Each one finds love
and each their courage.
Strength to love again,
unaware they were purposed

Purposed by the Author,
of Celestial things
Meant to be together
To grow new wings.

Chorus.

Welp. I felt like venting... and typing is theraputic... that's definitely not the right spelling....

the clickity click of the keys sounds pleasant and monotonous.

Anyway.

Fight for what you want.
The world is at your fingertips.
Reach out.
"I believe in pink.
I believe that laughng is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing,
kissing a lot.
I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. 
I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. 
I believe that tomorrow is another day
**and**
I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES."
~Audrey Hepburn

ttfn

Update, Don'ts, Randomness

AWRIIIIGHT.

It's kinda been a really long time since I've written a blog, or, well.... anything for that matter.  I've missed it:/

I like being able to whine and complain about all manner of things without feeling too terribly because anyone that reads it is responsible for it themselves, it's not like we're in person where it would be considered rude to just up and walk off. It's a website.  I don't see who reads all of this crap or just half. Or not at all.  So I just whine to myself! :)

I think I'll add to my list of Do's and Don'ts of Public Behaviour. (Which, as you've noticed, is more like a big fat list of Don'ts....ehh:) ) 

DO. NOT.  just throw your credit card down on the counter when you're checking out at my store.  If I'm standing there waiting for you to put it in my hand, and you just toss it on the counter, would you like to know what that makes me want to do to you?  I'd just love to take that card and shove it up your tail.  I'd LOVE to just toss your items on the floor in front of you while you stand there with an outstreched hand and say "oops".  and I'd REALLY love to just kick your butt out of my store. :)

On the other side of buying stuff, if you work at a store that serves people (most stores do....) Then customer service SHOULD be on your list of capabilities, should it not?  Well it's sweet of you to just throw my items in the bag, huff and puff when I change my mind about something, act like ringing me out is SOOOO out of your way.... but I don't really appreciate that.  If I can treat every customer, no matter how rude or dull, with respect and courtesy so can you.  What else do you get paid for?? Lord.

Oh. and to the bajilions of people who seem to think that I'm new.... NO. I'm not new.  and NO. I'm not having an "off day", actually.  It's just you :)

Lalala.....

I neeeeeeed to start working on music!!!!

There's so much to do but I don't even wannaaaa.....
Yuck.

Welp.

I'm thinking Titanic is in order.
I'm feeling like a sad, girly, sappy, crying movie. 
Crying sounds good. 
Yeap:)

Merp! Wells I'm off:) I lost my train of thought.... choooo chooooo......
TTFN:)

I miss watching Pooh... 
I'll have to fix that...
huh
...
CYAZZZ
:)

I wish I could freestyle rap...

RaNdOmStUfFfFfFfFfF

Well.  It's been quite a long time since my last post. 
I figured I'd take a break and let the world cool off after my last post...
The feedback was a mixture of "Wow way to go!" and "You are the world's worst person".

A lot of things have changed.  Not all for the better but not all for the worse either. One of the best things is....
*Que dramatic theme music*
I GRADUATED!!!
Halle-freakin-lujah. 

No more drama, (school-related anyway,)  no more thesis, (THANK GOD,) no more waking up at 6 am, (ANGELS SING). 

I won't lie, the last few months have been.... challenging.  Hopefully I've grown from them, I like to think I have.  But growing doesn't always feel so great.  I guess that's why there are "growing pains" huh. At the moment I'm still wondering why God had me go through some of the things that have and are still going down.  But I'm just assuming that there's a purpose. 

I really need to move out. 
NOW.

I love my parents. I do.

But I guess my thing is...

I'm 18 years old.
I am legal to drink on my property,
Smoke
Get married without parental consent
Vote   (DOWN WITH THE BLOODY BIG EARS!)
And, my personal favorite,
MOVE OUT.

I chose to live at home right now, mostly because the thought of moving out scared me and at the moment I don't make enough to live on my own and girlfriends with supportive jobs are scarce so I can't room with someone. 

I'm seriousy reconsidering that decision. 
House rules? Fine.  That's normal. 
But if "house rules" involve treating me like a child for the rest of my life, haha guess what.  I won't live in your house!

If you can't be a parent in any other areas of my life, I don't really see that you deserve to boss me around like one either...

There also comes a point when parents stop being the real... for lack of a better term, "authority figure" in their son/daughter's life and God and the church become the authority.  It's been my belief that this happens when the son/daughter reaches adulthood and can legally live on their own. 
Well.  That point has come. 
Although I'm pretty sure it snuck up on my parents. 

Like I said.  Don't get me wrong, I love them.  I really do. 
But we don't always see eye to eye and on a lot of those issues, I can get over it because they're really not that important or won't affect me for too long.  On some things, though, I feel like if I don't say something I'll explode!...
Anyway.....
Moving on! Sorry for that. 

Have you ever noticed someone really attractive, but then noticed that they obviously KNOW they're attractive?..... It's like... "Hot!!!! :D" to... "O.o.NOT." 
Because I'm a girl, (OH MY GOSH REALLY??)  I'll talk about guys.
Guys are so much cuter when they have no idea how handsome they are! Something about the innocence and lack of clinically obese ego is just.. just... it's adorable:)

AAAAAANYWAY.  It's way late.. or way early.. however you wanna look at it.... and I kinda have a reason to be up before the crack of noon...or later.... so I guess I'll ttfn. :)   (If you don't know what that means, you do not deserve existance.  (Well that's slightly over the top...)  But you're on my list so you better figure it out or I might cry!!
Ta-ta-for-now --Tigger! :)

Hugs kisses unicorns rainbows and mushy stuff!

Warning To The Pansies. This Will Be Personal. And I'm Not Holding Back.

WARNING TO THE SENSITIVE.
**BEWARE**
This will be personal and extremely honest. So if you don't want to hear what I have to say, don't read this.
And another thing. I will try extremely hard to keep this G but if there is an occasional profanity, I'm sorry.

I'm so. entirely. sick. and fed up. with being
JUDGED.

Get a life.

If you're really running that low on things to do that you need to nit-pick and find small little things to whine and complain about, things that don't involve you, things that you have no business sticking your snotty little nose into, then go to Walmart and buy some class, go out and get a life, and leave me the heck alone.

I will not give up an opportunity that comes my way to be happy, to feel worth something, to be someone, to be appreciated, to do something that I think is beneficial and worthwhile, just to spare some feelings.  If this was truly detrimental to someone's salvation or life or whatever, that's completely different.
But shocker.
This has nothing to do with salvation,
nothing to do with life or death,
nothing to do with other people in general.
Don't come whining to me if you get your finger bit by sticking it into a dog's cage where it doesn't belong. 

For those of you that know me, I care about people. 
When I love, I love hard, and I love deep.
So when I do offend someone, I feel terrible. 
There comes a point, however, when sometimes you just need to do what's best for you.  You can't always live your life stepping around feelings, sacrificing every chance you have to be happy, JUST so you don't make someone mad.  Guess what, unless you kick their grandma in the face or something, they'll most likely get over it.

I'm not saying to not be sensitive. You have to be careful how you handle things.  But you can't force yourself into a situation that's horrible for you and uncomfortable and miserable just to make someone else feel good! Yeah, if it will save their life, you can deal with crawling around in some mud for a while but if it's just to make sure they're not offended by something.... There is a point where you need to live for you.

I'm sick of having people tell me who to talk to and who not to talk to
who to hang around and who not to hang around
who to date or more accurately, who not to date.

Unless you're God, you have no control over me. (Well ok parents kinda do too...)

And if you don't like what I'm doing, whining and complaining about it to 20 other people doesn't solve jack.  If you have a problem with me or with what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, say it to my FACE.  Last time I checked I'm a big girl and I can take it.  Otherwise, acting like an elementary student and whining to all your classmates about someone won't solve problems,
won't do anything for you,
and certainly doesn't make you look cool. 

You look like the sniveling gossip that you are. 

I'm a big girl.  And like I said, I can handle all of the crap you dish out. But that's not to say it isn't annoying as ****. (I'm trying to be nice.)  That's not to say it doesn't hurt.
Especially when your best friends turn on you.
Oh my bad, sorry, I'll just go make myself miserable to spare your feelings.
..... LOL JK

There is a HUGE difference between being hurt and actively trying to hurt me and get back at me.  What did I do wrong again?  Choose to be with someone who makes me happy?  Uhhh.... Yeah I'll get right on fixing that. Not.
Hurt? 
I can understand that, and I truly am SO sorry......
But bitter, aggressive, rude, snotty, back-stabbing, gossiping, actively trying to hurt me?
Yeah you lost my sympathy right there.
Well are you happy?  You're the reason there are wet spots on my pillow.
You're the reason for my scars.
You're the reason I don't trust.
You're the reason I have walls.
You're the reason I don't let anyone in.
You're the reason for my lack of faith in humanity.
You're the reason I shut you out.
Are you happy now?
Did that satisfy your thirst for revenge on  my happiness?
Well....
Guess it probably just grinds your gears that I'm still happy huh....
Haha well that sucks.

You don't want to be involved? Gladly.  This was never about you to begin with.

You're done? When were you involved?

You're going to judge? Since when have you know ANY details?

You're going to hate?  Since when were you perfect?

I'm sorry that you have nothing better to do with your life than sit around pretending to be of the utmost importance and judge other people. 

I guess you'll be stuck in highschool mode forever. 

But as for me, I've moved on.
I'm over high school.
I'm over your drama.

And most of all.

I'm over you.

Daughtry--Over You.

"Now I never saw it comin
Shoulda started runnin
A long long time ago
Never thought I'd doubt you
Better off without you
More than you, more than you know
Slowly gettin closure
Guess it's really over
I'm finally gettin better
Now I'm pickin up the pieces
From spendin' all of these years
putting my heart back together
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you."

.... Ironic. I'm performing this song at the talent show this Friday.... haha
Come watch!! :D Me, Devin, Grant (Grantuous/Grantonimly), Adam, Caleb. Yeeeeuh!
Anyway.

Sigh.***

Writing things out... yeah that felt good.

K well I've got other fun things to do so I'll seeya later kiddies.

Love, rainbows, happiness, unicorns, <3, mushyfeelingstuffetc....bla bla bla.

Do's and Don'ts # Tres!

Well it's been a while since I've given society any advice.  I figured the world has probably fallen to bits without me.  So here goes the rescue mission.

# whatever... I don't remember where I left off....

Pardon me, sir gangster, but I believe your trousers are descending. 
If I wanted to see your underwear.. Well I'd never want to see them so you shouldn't be flashin' them.  And yes, it's true, I don't "have to look" but if you DON'T want people lookin, then what the heck is the point. I dunno I just thought that seemed a little strange...

# next.

If you're gonna talk crap about someone, at least do it right.  Don't look at people and talk about them and giggle AS THEY'RE LOOKING AT YOU, stupid.  I really don't know what else to add to that, it's just common sense.  I mean I'm not promoting gossip but it's possibly one of the most annoying freaking things ever when you look over at someone and they're staring at you, whispering and giggling.  You're like "Really? I can see you.  Why not just say it to my face?  Like I'm going to cry or something?...

Moron..."

Anywayyyyyy :)

# 1,021,232,123,212,321.0000000000009

Why judge?  Why hate?  Are you really that conceited that you think you're perfect?  I hate to break it to you sweetie but you're not God Almighty Himself, you're not an angel, and you're certainly not flawless. Everyone has their quirks, everyone has things that others don't like about them.  Everybody makes mistakes (everybody has those days), screws up, acts retarded, overreacts, etc.
We are all just people. Why hate on other people just because they have different quirks than you do?  How does that even make sense?  I'm not saying you have to like everything.  But I am saying that to treat someone poorly just because you don't care for some of their characteristics or lifestyle choices is not ok, does not make you any more cool, hipster, or likable.  In fact, it just makes you the kind of person that should be judged and hated on. 

# after the previous...

Ladies.... Please keep your boobs in your shirt...
I know that's a little blunt but honestly that's the best way to say it sometimes. Quit unwrappin the presents before it's Christmas!!!! (And lets face it.... sometimes the presents... well they're not that great....if you catch my drift...)  If you really need attention from guys that badly, at least find a guy who will give you the RIGHT kind... there are plenty of places to go where you don't have to put yourself under a microscope for people to stare at.  Any attention you get from looking like that isn't going to be the good kind....

Plus.... It might just be me... but I'm pretty sure no one wants to look at that... yuck....

Anyway... it's off to work for me!

:)

Ta-ta younglings.

The List Goes On. (Do's and Don'ts #2)

#6.  CONTROL YOUR FREAKING CHILDREN!  Usually I lead in with an intro but this just needs to be said, point blank.  Letting your children run around without supervision, destroying everything within sight like a freaking tornado... not exactly polite.  If you tell your children not to do something and threaten consequences, I suggest following through.  If not, your children will grow up with the mentality that everyone is as much of a pushover as you and do their own thing. Besides..... if one more child runs around my store knocking over the bottles that have been so meticulously straightened and perfectly aligned with the edges of the shelves, or goes around banging on our windows because someones mother didn't enforce her command to "get inside, now"... I'm going to burst and turn into a zombie.  Aaaaaand that's not really great for clientèle.

#7.  There's a line between controlling and abusing.  Actually not just a line, a gap.  A Grand Canyon of difference.  An ocean. You get my point.  But your children watch you to see how they should behave as they grow.  If you're going to treat your child like a pest, a nasty zit on your face, a gross, unlovable freak, you don't deserve them.  Your little girl or little boy is a gift from God and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't deserve the joy of parenthood.  You were once that "annoying" little girl or boy.  You were once that small and helpless and you were obviously given a chance... Don't be retarded.

#8.  Sorry those last two were so serious, the next few will be more humorous. I hope.  Starting with ... creepers....  If you're 25+ there is no WAY you should be flirting with me.  Especially while RETURNING things you'd bought, hopped up on crack.  (Just a side note.... who returns single pairs of gloves...?? They're like 30 cents.... do you really owe your drug dealer that much?....okok that was kinda judgmental....but still...)  You're 40.... I'm 18..... does anyone else see a problem with this?? And if you're going to flirt, at least make it interesting instead of trying to sound all seductive and creepy when asking common sense questions about our merchandise... sigh.... I'm not sure why older men think its so great to pretend to be attractive young guys and flirt with girls who obviously are not and will never be interested...seriously, how often does that stuff actually work??  Some day I really am going to get the nerve to just pull the Jenna Marbles face. :O and just sit there till they leave.... It'll work... haha

yeah this is pretty much 100% accurate......

Anyway.... I'm gettin up at 5:25...aka No-Good-God-Fearing-Child-Should-Ever-Be-Awake-This-Early O'clock.

Night night :)